Thought Download for the Day
Warmth.
It feels like a hug sweeping over your entire body. It is comfort. It’s cozy. It’s welcoming. It’s refuge. This world needs warmth right now.
I keep coming back to MLK Jr.’s sentiment that only love can drown out darkness, not hate. How do we all find that loving core within ourselves and let that warmth guide us in every word, action and intention?
It’s a skill we don’t hear much about. The practice isn’t straight forward. It’s not a process with clear steps. It doesn’t have a single, clear outcome to help us recognize “success” or “failure”. It really isn’t taught in school, and too rarely taught at home. Society craves it, but acts in contradiction, ultimately pushing that sought-after warmth even further away. How do we be more intentional about teaching and living it ourselves? I’m trying to figure out my own accountability here. My intention is to bring more warmth into my life, both welcoming it in and emanating it out to others.
I’ve been trying to make sense of recent events. As I took a step back and started stringing observations together, I came to a realization. We’ve seen anger and pain quite literally tear through our cities in a lashing out of frustration from all angles. We’ve seen indifference and oblivion - an absence of emotion where it seems there should be plenty. We’ve seen blame and hatred placed on anyone of particular origins, appearances, identities or beliefs. And yes, African American is one of many communities for which this still manifests, but certainly not exclusively. The list goes on. It’s been going on for ages. Yes, we see can clearly see hatred unfolding before our eyes. But when I look at these strings of unfortunate events, I notice a theme other than hatred. I notice deep emotions. Anger, fear, helplessness. I also can’t help but notice the struggle, and in some cases, the inability to handle such deep, powerful, intense emotions.
I’m not sure we ever had a handle on this as society, but current events show that it certainly needs our attention now. Of course it goes without saying that many of these horrific events are either faultless or inexplicable. Many should never happen to begin with. But how do we react? How do we choose to handle it? That’s a choice and intention. The choice we make often determines if you then create a trigger or additional event, or if you create the opportunity to heal and stop the vicious cycle. Our inability to process heavy emotion means that in that moment of choice, we too often turn to the darkness of hatred, destruction, divisiveness and victimhood. We leave behind ideals like forgiveness, love, kindness, collaboration and warmth. That choice we all take part in allows the contagion of either warmth or hatred to spread; a contagion that is just as strong if not stronger than any pandemic.
I sought to understand this within myself, per the many recommendations as of late. I took a very honest look in the mirror to see how I could recognize this darkness in my own life, so I may better understand what I see from the world now. I asked myself to look at the moments when I’ve felt helplessness, frustration, anger, and pain in their highest intensities (at least for me). In those extreme experiences, my reaction took two forms.
Self-inflicting punishment
Extrinsic lashing out
Let me explain. I’m sure at some level most can relate with one or both of these responses.
Let’s take the first one - the inward approach. This is where I’ve taken all the sources of pain and internalized it. I turned myself into a victim while also blaming myself for my hand in it all along the way. I can now see it as illogical and contradictory but in that state it was inescapable quicksand. It’s a cold, silent, lonely, vicious loop that often leads to some really dark places. For me it led to suicide considerations; something I don’t talk about much. It led me to question why I should continue on. It led me to seek refuge from all the wrong places, which just continued the cycle. I was fortunate to have a patient, unrelenting support system and the blessing of time to help me put one step in front of another in a healthier, warmer direction.
Then there’s the outward approach. When you feel unheard, misunderstood, helpless, angry or intense sorrow and pain, sometimes the most cathartic and instinctive response is to throw something; to hit something; to scream. It may be for shock value, to get the other party to stop speaking and start listening. Or it may simply be for release of all that toxicity bottled up inside. In my case, I’ve thrown something against a wall in the privacy of my own home. I’ve slammed doors. I’ve screamed to dead air and I’ve definitely bawled. I’ve punched a pillow, and a punching bag. Let’s just say when I take a moment to examine from a place of honesty, this darkness is familiar. So I suppose I understand it more than I thought when my initial reactions to riots and destruction was one of disapproval, sorrow and rejection.
So what now? Where does a better understanding take me? Here’s what remains. Here’s what I’m grappling with:
Yes, I can relate to what drives someone to the point of extreme darkness. However, when I examine myself, with my own life as the subject, I know that in either approach, I don’t like what I see. Hindsight is 20-20. I stand on the other side of those experiences now and while I know all the powerful nuances that drove me there all too well, I don’t look back on those responses from myself with pride. Am I better for going through it? Maybe. Maybe I wouldn’t be able to empathize as well with others in pain if I didn’t. But do I wish I had been able to take a warmer, more love-oriented approach with myself and my loved ones instead? Absolutely. 1000%.
In a much healthier phase of life now, I see the healthy habits I’ve come to employ.
1. Communication is key. This applies to communication with others and with myself. Toxicity often starts from within. I try to place a warm intention on every thought I allow myself to have. It’s a constant job and I often catch myself in negative thinking. But the more you stay conscious of it, the more I find the weight between warmth and darkness shift. Don’t let your own thoughts be the seed for your own future darkness.
2. The story I’m telling myself. Thank you, Brené Brown, for this tool. (If you haven’t watched her Netflix special, I highly recommend it.) Instead of springing forward in instinct, taking a few deep breaths followed by the question of “What story am I telling myself?” allows me to dissect the inner narrative I’ve somehow crafted and the emotions that are triggered as a result. So many times, the story I’m telling myself doesn’t reflect a full reality. It’s just one vantage point and often based on one or multiple closed-minded assumptions. The question opens me up to empathy for myself and for others involved because it forces me to evaluate how my perspective may not be shared with another. And in that case, what’s the story they are telling themselves? Such a powerful exercise rooted in reflection and empathy. It allows for a mature conversation focused on this is how I’m feeling and why, rather than an accusing one that has no beneficial end in sight.
3. Get my body and mind in harmony. I find both are critical. Workout, meditate, etc. Doing whatever I need to find my personal center. Find a way back to your center whenever you feel that trigger of uncertainty or unrest.
4. Surround myself with people who challenge me from a place of warmth. This is a big lesson. No lies, it can be TOUGH to stick to. It’s a lesson I’ve had to learn many times over throughout my life. I fully believe that the people around me need not think like me, be like me, look like me, believe like me, etc. But they must create warmth. When I see that dissipate, it’s either time for a conversation (see 1-3 above), or in some cases it’s time to move on, because if I’m constantly feeling, thinking, acting from a place of darkness, it only brews more of it.
Obviously, there is so much more to unpack when it comes to processing deep, intense emotions. I’d love to hear productive tips on how I can continue to infuse warmth into my life in a contagiously positive way. <3
